Things I miss from being in the military and law enforcement….

My body armor….

Knowing who the enemy was….

Knowing who had your back….

The ability to return fire…..

In today’s job market it is everybody for themselves. And some wonder why we walk around with our heads on a swivel…… today I guess my radar was a bit fuzzy……

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Whisky Tango Foxtrot!!!

Just sitting here at work running the last few weeks through my head. When you presented with a potentially life threatening disease that affects your spouse and imparts a potential terminal time line to them, it requires a discussion with your boss. When your boss listens to what you have to say and then says to you that we will try to give you time off and do what we can but you will have to be flexible, what do you say. I’ll tell you what I said. I replied that if my spouse needs me I’m going to do everything in my power to be there. The reply from management was, “remember you have to pay to live your life.”

How are you supposed to interpret that?

Huh, the things that your mind brings back around.

What I learned in the military….

Hurry up and wait….

The transition from mass to cancer is nothing more than Chinese water torture. I’ve never been a person that likes to wait. Both changes with this situation either. This roller coaster delivers a constant state of flux.

What it looks like from the outside. People that know me well know that I am a people person, a guest experience aficionado if you will. Always looking forward to taking to people, staff, marking their day better. Today I am withdrawn, quiet, detached. Lost in thought whose only on path is depression, anxiety, and further detachment. Loss of a mate. Loss of our future. Being robbed of time. Outbreaks of sobbing are common. I know that there are no definitive answers yet, but that argument doesn’t make any difference.

Hurry up and wait….

Where do you go?

I’ve used my writing over the last several years as a way to get my emotions out and “get out of my head”. There for quite awhile things were rolling pretty smoothly. Life had gotten to a point where it was flowing again. I feel the blog I originally started as a way to vent my pain from a very bitter divorce and court battle has now reached a more broad topic of life in general. What do I hope to accomplish? Well, it was never about offering advise but to let others know that there are people out here that might be experiencing something similar and there is comfort in knowing your not alone…..

My new experience that has me treading water in the deep end of the pool is cancer. Not mine but my wife’s. You see last year we fought and won a battle with kidney cancer. This year we were handed the “mass on your spine”. Where it’s located is very rare and generally only because it has metastasized from a previous cancer, and has a very high percentage of being malignant, being hard to kill, return rate, and terminal. How do you even start to process all of this?

My days since the news has been filled with, denial, bouts of spontaneous crying, thoughts of living my life without my partner and best friend, trying convince myself that there aren’t any results one way or the other yet……the later is what I try to cling to. Which I must say is the equivalent to rock climbing. Finger tips and toes on the smallest of ledges.

I don’t know where is path is going to lead but, know that I am on it too.

you are not alone………

Some people just don’t get it!!!

There are those people out there that just don’t get it. They have never been in your shoes and don’t want to take the time to try it get it.

“At least you have some time with your kiddo”, “it only half you you monthly pay, just get another job”, “hey you have a mass on your spine, (after having cancer previously), your appointment to figure out what it is the only 3 weeks away”!

What the hell? Some people just don’t have a clue or give a crap. Where did the compassionate people go?

Damn…, it’s been awhile….

A lot has happened since I was last here.  Finalized the divorce, got screwed by the court, met someone great, found out she had cancer, proposed, fought kidney cancer and won, got married, found out the cancer moved to her spine. There all caught up.

You will be seeing more of me here as writing helps, fight the overwhelming pain in my heart right now.

Time to catch up…

I’ve been doing a fair amount of posting on my Facebook page lately and thought that I would put out a new post to try to bring them together. The last couple of weeks have been tough, the loneliness, the weather, the toxic relationships. I suppose all of this is just the course of divorce and moving on. I am tired of the process, I know that I have said this before, but is must be stated again. I have told people in the past that I would never wish divorce on anybody and that remains that same. This is not life at its best. How can two people that once loved each other come to despise each other with such vigor?

I have been struggling again with the whole solitude thing, between both jobs there is really very little time for much socializing, but I really don’t have anybody that I would socialize with anyway. All the people that I work with are either married or 15-20 years younger than I am. Being alone…, being alone is well mostly intolerable to me. My second job has slowed a bit allowing me more time in the evening at home which is idle time, NOT good. While it is more time it’s not enough time to really accomplish anything. Out of desperation I opened up my OkCupid account again, MISTAKE, I remember why I closed it to begin with. The next day I ran across an interesting article, which really kind of hit home. You should head to my Facebook page and check it out. I think the guy hits the nail on the head. How will it all work out for him? Me? How knows but I guess I am going to try to follow his path.

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