Time to catch up…

Posted: March 27, 2015 in Featured
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I’ve been doing a fair amount of posting on my Facebook page lately and thought that I would put out a new post to try to bring them together. The last couple of weeks have been tough, the loneliness, the weather, the toxic relationships. I suppose all of this is just the course of divorce and moving on. I am tired of the process, I know that I have said this before, but is must be stated again. I have told people in the past that I would never wish divorce on anybody and that remains that same. This is not life at its best. How can two people that once loved each other come to despise each other with such vigor?

I have been struggling again with the whole solitude thing, between both jobs there is really very little time for much socializing, but I really don’t have anybody that I would socialize with anyway. All the people that I work with are either married or 15-20 years younger than I am. Being alone…, being alone is well mostly intolerable to me. My second job has slowed a bit allowing me more time in the evening at home which is idle time, NOT good. While it is more time it’s not enough time to really accomplish anything. Out of desperation I opened up my OkCupid account again, MISTAKE, I remember why I closed it to begin with. The next day I ran across an interesting article, which really kind of hit home. You should head to my Facebook page and check it out. I think the guy hits the nail on the head. How will it all work out for him? Me? How knows but I guess I am going to try to follow his path.

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I’ve been at conference this week and have not had the pleasure of working my second job this week. I thought at the time of scheduling all of this that it would be a welcome change. Man was I wrong. Here I was thinking that I had moved forward with myself and could handle the quite times. I guess I have but I’m not there yet.

What is the timeline for becoming comfortable with being alone? I guess let me clarify. Not longing to have someone to cuddle up to under the covers, being able to determine if the conversation that you just had was aloud verse in your head. I have gotten better and I’ve started purging the people that are still in the phone and on Facebook that really don’t give a shit whether you’re alive or dead. You know the ones. With all the time that has passed, I thought I would be farther ahead of the game than I am. This week as been tough, not working in the evening, being home and on the couch, going to bed not as tired as I usually am has caused me some major insomnia and some pretty good bouts of depression. I wish that I could wave a wand and make it all better; yes, I know that would be the easy way out.

I am ready to go back to being too busy to think. I enjoy my second job; I enjoy thinking about where I am going to be in the future. I just wish the future were sooner……

Lazy Saturday mornings, laying in bed snuggled close to the one you love, basking in the warmth, the comfort, the security, yes even the morning breath.  A feeling of home, peace, tranquility.  Lately my Saturdays have become, dread, loneliness, filled with depression.  I no longer lay in bed for all those things but rather the inability to drag myself out and face the day.  When I do it’s followed by the compete and utter lack of any drive to be productive, I move from kitchen to cough, repeat…..  I know that this space I occupy is not my permanent destination but for the time being I guess it is my place of residence.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that things will get better, and I really have some good days too, but I write to expel the darkness.  Somehow seeing the words flow help to ease the pain of being alone.  I have worked hard out of necessity to find another job, a part time job, which in turn elevates any down time between seeing my boy.  A busy mind is a mind that has no time to dwell.  My second job however has a tendency to make the issues worse as I see couples all the time.  I long to be one of them again.  God did not create us to be along.

I have spoken before about “emotional tanks” and the need of them being filled once in a while.  I feel that I have been driving with my gauge on ‘E” for quite some time.  I keep praying that I make it to the next filling station.  When will it come?

As I sit here watching the snow fall and drink my cup of coffee I think of how I can’t wait for my next shift to start.  I am so tired of working long hours, I need to rest, but I long for for the quietness amongst complete busyness.

Worth….

Posted: February 26, 2015 in Featured
Tags: , , ,

Lately there has been a lot of reflection, I guess introspection in my life. I look in the mirror and wonder what do I have to offer someone?  I am divorced, finacially challenged, tired, a single dad, working two jobs, average looking, trying to become more physically fit.  Sounds like a whole lot of fun right?  I know, right.  I know that I have a plan and that I will not always be where I am right now, but I still have those thoughts.  I fight them and know that I do have something to offer but it is a rough road to follow.  Maybe these are the feelings that you are supposed to have at this stage. I don’t know. Crap maybe it’s just loneliness.  I long to sleep in my loves arms.  Not the shallow physical, but to be wrapped around that I choose to call my own and to whom she knows I would sacrifice my life for hers. 

Worth…….

Just when we thought we were doing okay along comes Valentine’s Day meant for lovers and couples not for the rest of us. How do we deal with this? I was doing just fine working though my days and nights working two jobs, really too tired to deal with much more than life support operations when out of the blue it hits me. I’m single and alone. This week has been harder than normal, but I am sure it will pass. I have come to the realization that I am just lonely. Hearing about all the plans that all my married friends have, all young singles I work with, and their “others” it sinks in that at night I sleep alone. And by sleep I mean actual sleep, the aspect of cuddling is overly appealing to me these days, it’s been awhile since I have had any physical touch with anybody, I miss it. I wish that I were young again and didn’t have the aversion to just the “fling”. I find it hard to deal with, as it’s not fair to all parties involved. I will not settle again. I will not accept less than what I want. The urge to cave in and just have the fling grows each day but I know that is not what I want.

I overheard one of my friends making plans to have some people over or meeting out for dinner, how I long to have the significant other so that meals can be shared rather than endured as an act necessary to support life. The social aspect is greatly needed. I guess I am lucky that I can share vicariously through my guests as I wait tables as a second job. I get to concentrate on making their meals special; I get to give them what I long for. I enjoy making their evening special, but long to be that couple that I dote on that share the same side of the booth, never look at a phone during dinner, and actually carry on conversation. I see these couples smiling and loving on each other, its refreshing. That will be me as some point. I’m looking forward.

Love is in the air; don’t forget about the single friends that you have. Valentine’s Day and all of its whoopla can be tough.

Cheers, DD

Once you are intimate with somebody, have been in a relationship, connected to, then part ways, breakup, divorce is it possible to still be friends? What are the odds? 50/50, 60/40, 70/30?
I was contemplating my last couple of years recently, especially the people that had come into my life, women particularly. One was the first relationship after the separation. Our relationship was relatively short lived, ended and my heart was broken but that has been over almost two years and I have moved on. She is a good person at heart, one of those people that you are proud to know or have been able to spend time with. A person that you would point out as a role model of sorts a person worthy of knowing. We have stayed in contact via Facebook and a text here or there. I made the mistake of telling her that I wished that my boy could have known her. Holy Crap storm……. Now, I’m still in love with her, wishing we could get back together, etc. Not my intentions at all, but just letting you know that your are someone that is worthy enough to be introduced to my offspring.
At this point, I’m thinking 90/10 not in my favor.

Next up…..gargling with peanut butter

It all started with Alaska Railroad in November. While visiting my parents I watched a few episodes of Alaska Railroad and Buying Alaska and the bug bit the crap out of me. It started me on the road of wondering where had my life gone and where is it headed. While still in the state of flux with the divorce, financial peril, a job that pays most of the bills, a second job that finishes what the first can’t handle, and the emotional burden of it all, I find myself trying to focus on the future and where it is going to go. I have, for the most part, stopped dating, no time or money, and have found a small piece of “okay with it” in the process. The future right now only involves the dog and me and part-time with the boy, however that is the tie. Money is coming in, credit scores are beginning to rise, my future is looking better than it has. There are still a few big changes coming up but I’m tired of the stagnant pool that I’ve been in for the last couple of years. While I thought I was moving forward I really wonder if until now I had been standing still. I have had more dreams of moving, buying land, building a cabin, actually moving on in the last several weeks than I have had in a long time. Dreams I guess.

Who will take this journey with me? Good question. I have no idea. I know that besides the money and time, I dropped my online profiles due to the lack of interest from women that I find attractive. Before you label me a pig, you have to admit that you are not attracted to just everybody. If you can’t admit that then you are not being honest to yourself. In the mid 40’s it becomes even tougher to find your match, or at least it has been for me. I hope that with age comes the realization of who you are and what you want or need in a partner. Hopefully no more games. I still dream of sharing a hot bubble bath with the love of my life, walking hand in hand while walking along the trail, a loving tough in troubling times, and a swift kick in the ass when needed. It will come, until then I have plans. Plans of buying wooded acreage, plans in hand, of the cabin that will offer solitude and peaceful reflection on life’s trials, plans for vacations, plans for laughing, and plans for falling in love again.

Plans…….

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Once again I have shut down all my dating profiles, yes I said all.  In this day and age if you are only using one you are not serious about finding someone or at least trying to increase your odds.  Early on, I had pretty good luck with them but as of late all the response I get is from people that clearly can’t read.  I’ve tried to put together what I need in a potential partner along with the obligatory physical description of what I am looking for.  Okay, before you hang me out to dry on the physical, you have to honest to yourself that it does matter.  You have to have some physical attraction.  People can’t read.  It’s frustrating when you get bombarded with all the mail from people that don’t understand or have not been able to be honest with themselves to the point that they can’t admit that they don’t fill the bill for some.  If I read a profile and don’t meet the criteria then I don’t email or reach out.  Is that tough?  Hell yes, but why waste my time?  This process is crap.  Dating was hard enough when we were young, but add 20 years, a few extra pounds, a piece of crap ex, children, full time work, a part-time job and you  get mission impossible.  At this point I’m not even sure I would have time to date anyway, but having the real possibility of have someone to share my evening or bed with would be nice.  I have reached the point where the physical touch would be nice, no sex, but just someone to snuggle up with and sleep next to.  I keep flirting with the aspect of just a physical relationship however it always sounds better than it is in all reality.

My new part-time job puts me in the position of seeing a lot of couples.  I begin to envy them.  I miss what they have.  Yes I know that they are not all positive and that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence but I miss it none the less.  I also know that this is only a phase and that I will soon become accustomed to the voices in my head as the only conversations that I have in the evenings when I get home from work.  I know that I am probably not ready but…..always the but.  Everybody says that you need to learn to be okay with yourself and to be alone and I get that but that doesn’t mean I have to like it at all.  My  new job also doesn’t lend itself to building my hopes of meeting somebody through there either as most of my coworkers are college age to late 20’s.  You know the things that Penthouse forum letters are made of, but we all know those were made up anyway.

I guess I am just speaking my mind.  It always seems to put things in perspective for me to spit them out one here.  I know that as some point one or two of my readers have been here or are here, there is always comfort in numbers.  I know that at some point my Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, or Serendipity moment will happen.  Trouble is what do you do in the mean time?

Live I guess….

Here is a hint of what I would like to see in a Relationship.  How freaking cool would that be?  Oh, if you’re not following me on Facebook you are missing out…..

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That makes it 2 years and 9 months of pure bliss, aka, heart ache, anger, depression, sorrow, and financial ruin…….

I was talking to my dad the other day and the topic was taking care of me. The analogy that was made was that in a plane emergency you strap on your O2 before your child, so that you can take care of them. At what point in a horrible divorce and custody case do you finally say, “This is killing me and I must start taking care of me”? I find myself pondering packing up and moving, completely unselfish, but I am dying slowly day-by-day in all of this. How can I be there down the road if this process kills me? I love my son to death and the thought of moving away and not seeing him puts a pain in my chest that I can’t bear but this process is killing me. It’s killing me financially, spiritually, and physically. I wonder how many years it’s taking off my life as it is. At 45, my financial nest egg has been fried, so financially I have nothing else to lose. Maybe moving on is that way that my life continues and I have something to give once my son realizes that his mom is poison. I have seen the losing battle I have with him. I don’t have enough time with him to counter the hold she has on him.   When things go final I will have even less time to counter these things. Just saying that kills me, the thought of my parents not getting to see their only grandson, but crap they don’t get to see much of him now. Where is the sense in all of this?

I found myself looking at remote property in Alaska today, trying to determine if I have what it takes to make it up there. Relying only on myself, do I have what it takes; do I have the mental fortitude to pull off the quietness of long days? I don’ t know.   I know one thing; this process is killing me……

What an interesting quandary…..

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